Master Moocow's Monday Maxims

The student came to the feet of the master, and having made his bows, said plainly, "Master, what are the ways of the Office?"

The Master smiled kindly, and said, "You are not ready."

"But Master, I have pondered these things for many days, and have questions about faxing, email, post-it notes..."

"Be still!", came the rebuke from the Master. "Now I must teach you before you are ready, so that you may not learn bad habits. Now listen close to my words. Great happiness is in them, and also great misery. Observe."

The student sat, in the full lotus before the teacher. The lesson began like this:

"Always change your password on a Monday. Never on a Wednesday, and certainly not on a Friday, when you will have two whole days to forget it. A week's worth of use will make a password easier to remember.

"Do not use simple passwords like 'password' or 'access'. Use mixes of letters and numbers. And when changing your password, do not simply increment the number, like 'password1', 'password2', 'password3', etc...

"When leaving a voicemail, leave it in peace, without background conversations. Leave only your name, your questions, and a good way to reach you. Do not speak of your credentials, or unrelated topics. They are the path to much egotism.

"Of your outgoing message, state your name clearly, so that callers may be certain they have found the right voice mail box. Ask for the information you require from callers, and state plainly when they may have a better chance of reaching you. If you have alternate methods of contact, state those. If you have others who can answer in your stead, supply their contact numbers as well.

"If you must leave the office for a long time, more than a day or so, state so in your outgoing message. Leave alternate contacts for important things. Be sure your alternates know of this, for it is rude to push an issue to someone else without forewarning.

"On this, if you must refer a problem to one of better experience, let that person know that a problem is on it's way, before it arrives at their desk. This is the way to common courtesy.

"On the subject of email, email only the people who need to know, or who have requested to know. Filling the CC field with names is like filling your belly with wine. It seems like a good idea at the time, but the after-effects can make a man ill.

"BCC is an evil, but useful tool. Use it wisely and sparingly, if at all.

"Your subject field is a tool of great importance. Keep your subjects small, but descriptive, and refrain form editorial comments in the subject header.

"Your message body should be polite, and to the point. Remember that you would never ask someone for the table salt without saying please, so why should they expect less of your request for last quarter's maintenance budget analysis?

"Always, always spell check.

"Email is not fast, no matter what you have been told. Do not use email like a chat client. If you want a quick response, use chat. If you want a quicker response, phone. If you want the quickest, most complete, and most polite response, get off your ass and go see the person face to face.

"On the subject of chat, remeber the rules of written conduct. 'You' is not 'U'. Your or You're is not 'UR'. LOL is when your head lists to one side, and your tongue hangs out. It is not laughter. Spell out your words.

"If someone does not respond to your chat within a moment, they are not ignoring you. They are busy. Leave them alone.

"Finally, there are three groups of people in the office that you always want to be friends with: The administrative staff, the cleanup crew, and building security. They will make your life easier.

"Have you any further questions?"

The student looked up at the master in awe, and said, "No, master."

"Good. Commit these things to meditation for three weeks. Now go, I have a phone call to make."

"Who do you call, Master?"

"The help desk. I cannot access Yahoo, again..."

"Perhaps rebooting would help, Master?"

"Truly there is wisdom in you, student."

Having detected the sarcasm in the master's voice, the student left him in peace.