Some Thoughts on Sexism (Updated)

(Scroll to the bottom for the updates.)


This is going to be kind of a brain-dump, but I've had several posts in mind for this topic and I wanted to start writing. There's no main point I want to make here, other than "We ALL need to start trying to get along better." So don't expect a continuous, coherent string of thoughts here, but rather a running mental commentary.


Let's go back a few months, to Indianapolis, on June 25, 2011. I'm sitting in the front row, as I always do, at the opening remarks for SQL Saturday #82 at the University of Indianapolis. The MC is going over some of the sessions that are being presented, and addresses the Women In Technology lunchtime panel. My memory of most of what he said is hazy, since I wasn't taking notes yet, but at one point, he began to specifically address the men in the room and said, "Remember guys, just nod, and admit you're wrong."

Hold up... did he just tell all the men to give the "Yes, dear." response? Yes. Yes he did. I was floored. I'm sure it was meant in humor, but the irony was not lost on me. Since he was doing a fair amount of joking around, I considered letting it pass for now. However, just a brief moment later, the guy about two seats over from me, spoke up:

"So tell me, how many times during the panel are they going to change their minds about what they want?"

I was literally too stunned to react. That and all the reactions I was mentally cataloging were needlessly violent. Really, you could do a lot of damage with a laptop if you think about it. Rather than reacting with red-hot anger, I sat on that feeling for a bit and let myself cool off. When I was done, I decided that instead of starting an argument in front of everyone, I would call for help instead. So, I tweeted.

Admittedly, while this drew some attention, this was not the best thing to do. The best thing to do would have been to have spoken up immediately. I am sorry I did not. For a while, I was hesitating blogging this at all. To what extent was I justified in calling out bad behavior of others in the professional community? In fact, that's the main reason I haven't blogged a whole lot lately, because I was afraid to make waves in the SQL community. I'm pretty new here, and don't like rocking the boat. 


However, having had a good conversation about this with a couple of wonderful ladies, who I owe many thanks to, this past weekend, I am no longer afraid to do so. We need more men to speak up on this, just as the women are doing. Especially when it comes to seeing bad behavior in other men. The point was made to me that sexist men will take criticism from other men much more seriously than the same criticism from a woman.


That said - I've got my eye on you, guys. Slip up again, and I *will* let you have it in front of everyone. I know who has my back, and trust me. You do not want to mess with any of us.
Moving on, just this past week, I've seen a couple of different things I've wanted to comment on. Here's one of them.


On Saturday, a good friend of mine (who I always had, and always will have the utmost respect for) posted a link on Facebook to the following article. 

IKEA Tests Out "Manland", a Holding Pen for Bored Male Shoppers

I'll give you the tl;dr version - it's a play area for men, much like a play area for kids. You check them in, ladies, do your shopping, and pick them up on your way out. I was once again stunned. (Mostly because I love IKEA, and would go there just for fun any day of the week.) Then I read some of the comments in that thread: 

Sense of humor failed me, and I started to get irritated. Mostly because these are people that I like. I went to my default reaction of, "If this was about you, would it still be funny?"  So I posted the following subtle hint in return:

Now I was not the first person to mention the possibility of a Woman-Land at any store. The first person to do so, however, was ignored. I was not. The comment I received in return was gone within moments of it being made. I don't know who removed it. Perhaps the person who made the comment felt bad? Maybe the OP decided it was a bit much? I don't know. But I do know that since I was subscribed to the thread, I got it in email first, and still have it. 

"Mr. Maxwell. Women make it work with whatever they have. Men have to go out and buy something new to see if it works better. While you know I luv ya, I think your wife wears the smarts in the family." 

While I appreciate and agree that my wife is a very intelligent woman, to say I was a bit hurt would have been an understatement. Not the least because her comment would seem to contraindicate the whole purpose of Manland in the first place. (Yes I reacted against the logic first. You can tell I'm a DBA...) And she was calling me unintelligent. I have since considered un-friending her, and a short list of other reactions. 

Then something strange happened. I calmed down. I thought to myself, "Dave - you're overreacting. I'm sure it wasn't meant the way it sounded. You're just being too sensitive about this. Relax and let it go."

And then, this came across my RSS reader:

A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not "Crazy".

Again, the tl:dr version is this: Such phrases like, "You're over-reacting. You need a sense of humor. Don't take it so seriously." are phrases that men have been using to manipulate women into accepting their misogynistic behavior for a very long time. And here I was doing it to myself. I was unsettled by two things. First that I would engage in that kind of manipulation in the first place, second that I would allow myself to be manipulated. The fact that I was doing it to myself just made it that much more creepy.

So, I've decided that for now, I'm going to do nothing. I'm basing that on what could be a terrifically flawed assumption - the assumption that the commenter removed her post because she decided after posting it, that it was out of line. I'll give her the benefit of that doubt for now, and let it slide, but again, I'm keeping my eye on her. I'm far less forgiving with the second insult than I am with the first.


I guess if I were to take a stab at what would be an over-arching thesis for this rant (and thank you for getting this far), it would be this: Sexism is wrong.  That's it. Plain and simple. It doesn't matter who we're being sexist against, or what their gender is. Whether it's "Honey, you need to relax and not be so dramatic.", or "Dude, you need to man up and get over it.", it's wrong, and I'm done.


Thanks for reading.
-David.

Updates:


I often announce new posts on Twitter and Facebook, and now Google Plus. Hence, not all comments I receive are posted on this blog. I got a couple on Facebook that I thought were very good, and got permission to re-post them here:

Christine writes: Interesting to read. I must admit that following a semi-militant (I could find surpressing, hidden messages in almost anything) post LHS decade, I've become more relaxed on this topic and can often even laugh at the men vs. women jokes. And although I'm actually content now - I'm confident enough to just do my thing and know when someone's horizon can be widened and when it's not worth it - it was good for me to read this. Just a reminder to occasionally still look through my sexism detection glasses to also help / not hurt others. Even though I (think I) am not susceptible to such subtle comments there is still a general obligation. Such as when a man speaks up for sexist comments towards women (and vice versa). Thx Dave

Katie writes: [...] I was at work, literally, yesterday when I answered the phone normally with "Thanks for calling N.O. Geek Squad, how can I help you?" The gentleman on the other end of the line said, and I quote: "Holy crap is this a female geek??" I rolled my eyes for what it was worth to myself since he couldn't see it and said "Yes sir it is, what can I help you with?" He then responded with "Do they let you drive the little bug around to people's houses and stuff?" I bit my tongue because my first reaction to these kinds of comments is still the sarcasm/amusement route. I almost responded with a "No silly, I'm a woman, of course they don't let me drive their car anywhere.", but instead went with "No sir, I have the privilege of working in the unit's at the store, now what can I do for you?" He then started with a "I don't know if you'll know this but..." and then asked his questions which thankfully I had an answers for. I tell myself all the time that it's ignorance that breeds such comments and you can't put the burden of correcting the willfully ignorant on yourself, but it still makes me feel a LOT of pressure at work sometimes. I still consider myself a novice in the Tech field, but when I see male customers begin to question my skills before I've even had a chance to know what they need, my first reaction is a bit of annoyance followed by a huge strike of nervousness. I try to help people at work first, and then if I don't know the answer I'll find someone else to help them. However, when I start with a "I'd be happy to help the next person in line." and he opens with the comment "I should probably wait for one of these gentleman over here." and points to my male coworkers, I now feel disadvantaged. Because now I know that if I don't know the answer, they think it's because I'm a women, and not for any other reason. So I now have a decision to make: A: Further my knowledge by attempting to help him, and if I can't misrepresent women everywhere as generally less intelligent. (Not saying this is true, but it would most likely be the customer's perception afterwards.) Or B: Sacrifice the opportunity to learn something and let him wait for whoever he wants to talk to. I usually take the customer for myself anyway because my mentality shifts to the route of "I'm not going to let someone who made some sexist ignorant comment be the reason I didn't get to learn something new today." but it still sucks on some level that I have to feel through that quick though process anyway. I try to remind myself that though I'm incredibly proud to be a woman, I am not the ambassador for women in technology everywhere. That I represent myself first and foremost as a person, and that my occupation is to fix people's computers, not their ignorace.