It said what...?

Listening to: The Crystal Method - Legion of Boom

More and more often, there are days that I find myself saying, "Someone actually believes this?" Case in point. A few days ago, my wife received a little package in the mail with a sizable set of three holed punched pages, courtesy of IMP, under license from Summertime Publishing. These are part of a 'sets' series of mailings. The idea is that you get a small sampling of a set of informative publications, and for a monthly fee, you can sign up to receive the rest of the set, for as long and large as it is, a little bit at a time. Why you can't just buy the whole thing outright is beyond me.

The particular sampling that K received was part of the "Enhancing your MIND BODY SPIRIT"(tm) series. She and I shared a good laugh looking through it, though she expressed a significant amount of personal insult on receiving it. (Did I mention I love this woman?) There are pages and pages of mystical, magical, and downright ridiculous nonsense in it. I won't go into the whole thing, but I will highlight a four of the ones that I find particularly irritating.

The first one is page 11, or card 5 from the "You, Friendship and Love" series. It details how to find your special 'friendship number', and given your number, and your friends number, this will tell you how to best relate to this friend of yours. Here's how this is supposed to work: Each letter of your name corresponds to a number, add all these numbers up, iteratively, until you are left with a single number. For example, if all the numbers that the letters in your name represent add up to 115, you add the individual digits. 1 + 1 + 5 = 7. My name works out to 5 and a friend of mines name works out to 4. There's a little chart on the back. On one axis is my number, on the other, my friend's number. For the combination of 5 and 4, I'm told to, "Try to bring out the sensation-seeker in your friend." Um, that sounds lewd, and no. We're both straight men. And I have it on authority (mine) that my friend is going to get nowhere by reminding me that "The little things matter, too." My question is, what ever happened to old-fashioned communication? Just talking to your friends? I suppose actually talking to your friend and getting to know them is an antiquated notion.

Let's move on to the just plain silly, shall we? Here's a card, page 22 and card 20 from the 'Spells and Magic' series. All of a sudden, I've stepped into a J. K. Rowling novel? The card describes two spells you can cast (perform?) for guiding your soulmate into your life. I'll just describe the one. You're supposed to write the characteristics of your ideal lover on a piece of paper. Then hold an apple up to the full moon and ask the moon to send you your ideal mate. (No, I am NOT making this up.) Now, carve two hearts that are touching, into your apple. Put the apple on the paper that you wrote your emotional laundry list on. Sprinkle rose petals on the paper, wrap the whole thing up with a red ribbon and leave it in the woods. According to the instructions, "You will soon find the love that you desire." I'm not so sure about that, but I can pretty much guarantee that the ants will find themselves a feast, and you may find yourself a citation for littering. Maybe the cop will be cute? Once again, I cannot realistically believe that ANYONE would do this, and expect some hot young thing to come into their life, sweeping them off their feet. At best, it's a pointless exercise. At worst, it's a waste of a perfectly good apple, and littering.

I'm going to take the last two in tandem. They are, respectively, "Giving a Head Massage" and "Healing with Lavender". I find these to be the most irritating and potentially dangerous of the lot. The instructions for the head massage contain directions on flexing the neck muscles by rolling the head from side to side. I'm only going to mention this once, so pay attention. DO NOT FUCK WITH YOUR NECK. Or anyone else's for that matter. I've had the move done to me before, but that was from a licensed physical therapist who was helping me with a neck issue. If you have neck or back issues, see a doctor and get a referral to a physical therapist. Don't believe that someone can help you with your neck because they got a card in the mail that showed them how to do it. If that isn't enough motivation for you to drop this card right now, here's an article for you, on How Neck Manipulation Can Cause Strokes. Don't. Just don't.

On the 'Lavender' card, there are instructions for using lavender for many different kinds of ailments. It says on the card that lavender has 'harmonizing properties'. Have you ever heard lavender sing? Me neither. Yes, I know what they meant. I just couldn't pass up the joke. There is a distinct lack of information and explanation in several places on the card. Especially where warnings against the use of lavender are concerned. There is mention of avoiding lavender with ketone content above 35%, and that diabetics, epileptics and pregnant women should avoid it entirely. This is hardly sufficient explanation or warning for someone who may use lavender for any of it supposed medicinal purposes.

What bothers me most about the lavender card is the number of injuries they recommend it for where open wounds are involved. It says lavender can contain "up to" 50% alcohol. How do you tell? How much is enough to fight off infection on an open wound? Wouldn't isopropyl alcohol be more effective, safer, cost less, and be more readily available? Here we find the real danger in 'natural' medicinal practices like herbalism, homeopathy and other such ills. (Ooh, good word choice...) It very seldom works, or works only because of the placebo effect. And when it doesn't work, it introduces more risk than it should. Another example is that they recommend the use of lavender oil on a burn. YOU NEVER PUT OIL ON A BURN! That's basic first aid, folks. Herein lies the real danger of 'alternative' or 'complimentary' medicine. It causes people to forgo treatment by a real, qualified doctor or hospital. If you have a serious wound, burn or other ailment, see a doctor. Trust real medicine, not some card you received in the mail.

All in all, the MIND BODY SPIRIT series appears to be a disappointing waste of paper. What's really sad about it is that no matter how much nonsense is in it, some credulous people will read it, buy into it, and buy the package, thinking that their lives are going to improve beyond measure now that they have all this knowledge. I think, what they will find, is that they will be out a hefty amount of money, and have one more stack of papers cluttering up the house.

Amazing what people will believe, and worse yet, what people will publish.