Why I am not a Plumber.

And now, an easy to follow, step-by-step guide to discovering why I am not a plumber. Only 40 steps, and two days. Fun for the whole family!

Day One...

1. Decide to replace the outside faucet. It had a leak.

2. Examine new, purchased faucet and existing faucet. Discover that they are two completely different kinds and one will not replace the other.

3. Disassemble old faucet to diagnose leak.

4. Observe as old faucet disintegrates on re-assembly.

5. Truck over to Home Depot to speak with 'Andrew', a 50 year veteran plumber who informs me that the Mansfield silcock assembly I am holding in my hand, is shot and will require complete replacement, along with a few other things.

6. Purchase, on Andrew's advice, a pipe cutter and mid-line cutoff valve (so I can restore water to the remainder of the house) and a shiny new 10" Mansfield silcock.

7. Go home and install the new cutoff valve. Works like a charm.

8. Discover that in restoring full pressure to the pipe, a pinhole leak has surfaced a mere 1.5 feet from where I just installed the cutoff.

9. Back to Home Depot.

10. Purchase a "Shark Bite" 2" coupler for the line, to replace the stretch of pipe that contains the leak.

11. Go home, putting the pipe cutter back to work, and install the coupler, fixing the pinhole leak.

Day Two...

12. Now free to work on the actual problem (replacing the silcock) notice that the existing silcock is SOLDERED in place.

13. Back to Home Depot.

14. Purchase two more Shark Bites, one threaded and one standard coupler. 8' of CPVC pipe, CPVC pipe cleaner (I already own CPVC cement) and some elbows.

15. Return home and COMPLETELY remove the silcock by cutting the damn thing in half and also lopping off the feed tube in the process.

16. Create a new feed tube assembly with the new pipe and elbows.

17. Install and bolt in the new silcock.

18. Install the couplers.

19. Dry-fit the new CPVC assembly I just created. (Inexperienced, I am. Stupid, I am not.)

20. Clean and cement together the major parts of the CPVC assembly, outside. The cleaner and cement are rather foul smelling.

21. Install the major parts of the new assembly in the couplers.

22. Cement in the remaining parts in the basement. (Again, foul odors.)

23. Wait two hours for the thing to cure.

24. Pressure test the whole thing. The CPVC holds! Success! The threaded silcock coupler does not...

25. Discover that the pressure bleed valve on the new cutoff works great.

26. Wipe water from face.

27. Tighten silcock coupler. (You can do this on the fly due to the nature of the "Shark Bite" couplers. They rock.)

28. Repeat pressure test.

29. Wipe water from face, again.

30. After trying desperately to avoid stripping the nut on the couple with channel locks, discover that the crescent wrench is about 1.5mm too small for the job.

31. This time, go to Lowes. Purchase a new set of crescent wrenches.

32. Return home, and on a hunch, re-wrap the threads before giving the coupling the tightening it deserves.

33. Pressure test. This time, everything holds.

34. Attach the hose reel to the silcock outside and test. Now the hose reel leaks.

35. Remove all hose from the reel and tighten the connection to the reel.

36. Test the reel again. Success.

37. Wind the thing up, and go back inside.

38. Clean up, put away tools.

39. Promise self, that never, under any circumstances, no matter what happens or who asks, that you will never volunteer your services as a plumber, ever again.

40. Good Night.